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I am just another classmate to her, but to me, she’s the reason I show up to that morning lecture. She is why I choose to wear that necklace in the scorching heat. She is why I put on that lipstick that makes me look pretty. I wish I could talk to her with half of my usual confidence. Why do I stutter when I talk to her? Why do I forget every question I had prepared to ask her? Why do I sound like an anti-social loser when she is talking to me? Oh how much i wish i was not that nervous around her. But why? She does not know that I like her. Hell she probably doesn’t know anything about me beyond my name, instagram ID and a couple of other miscellaneous bits of information. But i know how much she likes listening to Clairo, drinking Bistro coffee, getting a choti advance after college and going to the arcade with her boyfriend. I have a crush on a straight woman who has a boyfriend. I thought that she was just a silly hallway crush to me, until we started interacting a little more. The whiff of dopamine that hit me when she told me that she loves my makeup felt like I came back from the dead. I ran back to my room and screamed into my pillow when she told me that she absolutely enjoyed watching that movie I had recommended to her. Don't even get me started on that time when she posted herself to a song that I had introduced her to. Every interaction with her put me on cloud nine. Smelling her vanilla scented perfume when she walks by or a brush of her hand when she lends me her pen felt magical. It felt like I was back in school again, steering through the corridors trying to stalk that tall, nerdy crush of mine. She was no longer my silly eye candy. I wanted to ask her about her day, go out shopping with her and share that cigarette and laugh about how her pink lip gloss and my purple lipstick come together to make a pretty imprint on the cigarette butt. But I knew that she did not feel the same for me and I did not know how to cope with that feeling. I legitimately have a Google Search that says “what to do when you’re crushing on a straight woman”. I told my friends about her. The queer ones told me that it happens to the best of us. The others asked me how I could think of her knowing that she’s not into women. I made bleak playlists, took mental health walks, wrote silly articles, befriended unusual strangers and bought myself flowers till I could get over her. No Google or Reddit people were of any help. I had to talk and love myself out of her. Slowly, but surely, I got over her. The sight of her did not make my stomach sink anymore. Her pictures did not seem to make me sad anymore. I had learnt that sometimes things do not go the way you want them to but that’s alright because now I have a curly haired boy to crush over. I can think about him all I want, knowing that he’s very much into women and single. As I find myself shifting my focus from this girl to this boy, I realise that it was never about them, but about me. It was all about how it made me feel to be perceived by someone new, to have someone to idolise in my head and derive shots of dopamine from mundane interactions I happen to have with them. It all lasts until I do not derive the same rush from them anymore but that is completely alright because you can never run out of people to have a silly crush on.

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